My dear bloghearts, how are you doing? Hope you're enjoying 2015? If you count your blessings and choose to be happy, you'll enjoy it.
This post was sent in by a new blogheart and my learned senior, Dapo Odunaiya. This satire mocks the extravagance and barbaric actions of some pastors. Kicking a pregnant woman in the belly, having sexual intercourse with a woman desirous of having a child, walking on church members or asking them to eat grass in the name of deliverance? Do not roll your eyes, no one is judging God's anointed or doing God's prophet harm. I'm not against a pastor owning luxury cars if his members are not starving. Pastor will not come and die now. His family can also go on vacations like yours. A pregnant active worker in a church was telling me how she couldn't feed and pay her kids' school fees. But I see her pastor "chopping the life of his head" private jet style. #WhoAmIToJudge? Kindly activate your sense of humour, don't hesitate to smile. Don't hold back the giggles and laughs. Now enjoy.
Man of God, yours is a call to ministry by the most High God, theirs, as a congregation, is a call to service and worship. Make sure you draw this line clearly from the onset so that members of the congregation don’t begin to look at you like equals (if you were, they will be the one on the pulpit, not you. Respect is very important)
Make sure you have a dedicated chair, microphone and pulpit. Emphasise that they have been specially sanctified for your personal use and anyone who flouts this instruction will be united with Brother Uzzah.
Hallelujah the church is marching on, and so should your gadgets too. Opening a monthly tab on the church account for your ipad, blackberry and Dstv is a must! After all they don’t expect you to communicate with only spiritual beings do they?? Oh yes, make sure this divine courtesy is extended to your darling wife, “mummy of the parish”. If the church grumbles, remind them that a mother must be in constant touch with her children.
You must not repeat the same suit and tie. If this happens SCREAM and sound the alarm of poverty in the land. Be sure to collect a special offering for “Pastor’s garment upgrade”. If anyone dares complain, call fire on them from the sky.
Make sure you dedicate only jets, jeeps and SUVs. All those young hustlers bringing in “baby boy, golf 4, end of discussion etc” can go and dedicate it at their respective house fellowships, end of discussion!
Do not grace any naming ceremony that a cow is not involved. Any of your ministers can represent you. If they accuse you of being partial, lecture them on the importance of delegation and conclude by sending a word to their fathers. Nonsense! Do they think you got to the position of Parish Pastor by wasting time on frivolities??
Back to the matter, when you are speaking in tongues no other church member must talk (are you mates?) can there be two anointed ones in the house? Anyone that opens his mouth to speak should be accused of blasphemy and stoned. Yes ke! You have to be very firm otherwise the whole church will begin to speak in tongues and then it becomes difficult to separate you from them.
During Holy Communion, you are entitled to a private feast with your maker after which the members of the congregation can come for the crumbs. Be sure to collect an offering of “special communion privilege” for the favour they have just received.
See it’s not impossible that some members begin to run their mouth about your pastoral style. Don’t you worry just identify these people, conduct a special mandatory deliverance service
and slap the demons out of them (each teeth that removes is a demon succumbing to your heavenly slaps).
On Church expansion, emphasise to them the importance of branding and location. You should be looking at areas like: Ajah, Ikoyi, Lekki etc. Any member that suggests: Mushin, Oshodi, Okokomaiko etc is a child of perdition and such one should be banished from the congregation.
Acquisition of a private jet is a MUST. Every member must sell ALL (scream this part well) their possessions to realise this goal. Tell them the story of Brother Ananias and Sister Saphira .Any attempt to flee town or relocate with personal effects will prove futile as they will be visited and destroyed by the host of heaven.
On the issue of evangelism, make them realise that your BBM display pix, from January 1st has been “Repent, God loves you” and yet they go about saying you don’t preach? Their father! Have they not heard that the world has now become a global village?? Must you run through the streets evangelising when you can minister to all your contacts via BBM?
As many that decide to leave your church, let them go. Is it not written that “He came to His own and His own knew Him not?”
Ride on jare Man of God.
God bless your hustle.
Thanks Uncle Dapo :d for sending it in. Thanks for reading bloghearts. Have a post for us? Do send to email@example.com. You know I love you, right?Anuoluwapo.