Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Oh yes, oh yes, we are one!

This post is to specially thank you for reading, leaving comments, sharing and liking the posts on social media. Also for your kind words. I'm sorry some of you have issues commenting.

You make my days as you talk to me daily about the posts when you run into me. I'm elated the posts cause debates in your homes and among your friends. I'm honoured you call me to get my opinion on issues no matter how silly they seem. Your comments make me laugh out loud all the time.

I never imagined I would have a blog until I had a blog. I have learnt so much from your comments and from the posts. Some of you would roll your eyes that I "sub" you. I sub myself on a daily. After subbing myself, I am forced to take steps at bettering myself.

I was introduced to the blog world by Eniwealth. There are so many beautiful blogs which I find hard to keep up with no thanks to school, lack of electricity and fuel. If I've not been on your blog recently, i'm sorry. I'll be with you soon. Blogoratti, can I share your post here, please? I've met new people, I read different ideas and I understand people better. I'm grateful for this experience.

So how are we celebrating? I had something in mind but I'm so choked up at the moment. You can send birthday gifts to the blog in form of dresses and shoes. Long life and prosperity to us all. I love you for reading, Anuoluwapo.

Choose one

#NoLight #NoFuel Women are complaining that their freezers have become cupboards. Business owners are frustrated. Students can't work on their laptops. Everyone is complaining but #ThereIsGod. Hopefully, the change coming in on Friday would favour us all. Amen!

I saw a part of a beauty contest last week where a contestant was asked to choose between beauty, fame and money. She chose fame *rme* No matter how vain you are, you have to pretend not to be to win. So, beauty is out of it. Besides, beauty is nothing and it fades.

I also wouldn't pick fame because having fame without money is synonymous to being a toothless bulldog. We see you but we can't feel you. And if we don't feel you, we don't remember you. There is an extent to which you can lobby some policies. You may be able to enter places after waiting long hours but when you're rich you'll be ushered in immediately. It's easier for you to influence policies like the right to education. With fame, you'll be shouting on instagram or follow in ETC's footsteps. You can be rich without being famous sef. #WeCan'tShout LOL.

Which would you go for and why? Beauty, fame or money? Thanks for reading bloghearts. Enjoy the rest of the week, Anuoluwapo

Thursday, 21 May 2015

It's not about the size

Domestic Violence is indeed ‘the secret sin’. It’s happening in so many families and most of the time, women are the victims and we’re keeping quiet. It is not a joke and women are dying all over the world because some people still believe that it is something that can be trivialized. People continue to stay with domestic partners for fear of societal reproach and judgment. We are the society and we should stop providing an environment which condones remaining with an abusive partner.

Chances are you know at least one person that is in an abusive relationship and it blows your mind that they don’t “just” leave or maybe you are that person. If you don’t belong to either one of these groups, still read this because you might be in an abusive relationship and not even know it.

Nobody wears a sign on their head saying “Hey date  me and I’ll be sure to abuse you in the future!” The fact is that many relationships that are abusive didn’t start that way. On the contrary, they start out almost too good to be true. I read of a couple where he was so in love with her that he decided to marry her. He asked her parents for her hand in marriage and that’s where the first seed of abuse was planted. The girl’s family exploited him. They did it with his dowry and did not care that he was not in the best financial position. They accounted for every penny of clothes, school fees and other costs of raising "this prized possession of" a daughter. He was nearly financially wiped out by the time the wedding took place. Too embarrassed to say anything, he shut his mouth and got through it. A few months later, still unable to recover from the financial plummet, he started falling into depression, frustration and of course anger. One day, he asked his new wife to make him a sandwich, her response wasn’t favorable and he beat her. Explaining to her that he paid with his life’s savings to buy her from parents who acted as if they were selling property, not sending a daughter off to happiness. In this case who was abused? They both were. Him by her parents and her by him. So here is the take away from this one: Someone can become abusive that wasn’t before.

Abuse is not only DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. Many times, abuse happens long before it shows up as domestic violence. Abuse is simply the cruel or violent treatment of someone. So again violence is only part of the story cruel treatment is the other part, and that happens to many of us more than we are willing to admit. There are many people in “Emotionally abusive “relationships/marriages. This type of abuse is no less terrible than physical abuse. Emotional abuse is a non-physically violent but terrible form of abuse. You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so. It is usually characterized by behavior that chips away at someone’s sense of self worth. Some examples are shaming, humiliation, intimidation, fear, withholding basic needs, name calling, threatening, and of course using guilt (perhaps of a past mistake) as a source of power over the other or for emotional ransom. Don't cover abuse by claims of possessiveness, anger problem, jealousy, drunkenness or love.

One of the telling things about a healthy relationship is that two people need each other by choice.  Each chooses to depend on the other for something(s). Not so with abusive relationships. Abusers create a world where the other person is dependent on them by force. A counselor once spoke of an abuser who found out that his girlfriend got a new job that required a car that she could not afford to buy. He bought the car “supposedly for her” but she was not allowed to drive it. Only he could. She needed her job so she needed him and put up with his abuse for the sake of the job she needed. Another example is a "rich" man having the belief that he owns his "poor" partner because he is sponsoring her in school and perhaps caters to her needs and that of her family. Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes: Rigidly controlling your finances, withholding money or credit cards/ basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter), making you account for every penny you spend, restricting you to an allowance, preventing you from working or choosing your own career, sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly), stealing from you or taking your money, etc.

Abusers are experts at making a person feel that they are not going to be accepted by the world  and that they are the only ones who are accepting of the victim and so are doing a favor. They give the victim the impression of themselves that says “I am really bad/ugly/ not-good-enough/ not educated enough, that no one out there will tolerate and love me." They erode the victims self esteem so much so that the person starts to think “The monster I know is better than the ones I don’t." You should never allow yourself be put down, humiliated and disrespected by anyone especially not the one that professes love to you.

We may have more “domestic violence” cases reported by women, but that does not mean that men don’t go through domestic violence as well and it certainly does not mean they don’t go through abuse. The truth is that men don’t really have an outlet to talk about themselves as victims. When women share this pain, they often get a host of sympathizer. Everyone comes to their rescue.  Men get nothing but snares and taunting. Right from when men are young, they were told to just suck it up and be a man. So when a wife throws a tantrum at home, cries at the slightest nudge, PMS for 30 days, they suck it up. They don’t go having sleep overs at their friend's and break down in tears about how she threw the flower vase at him last night or how she has refused to perform her matrimonial obligations in weeks. They don’t tell their parents that the woman they live with emotionally abuses them. They don’t do that because they don’t get any support and even if they did, it’s too embarrassing. So know that abuse is not a gender thing. You might even be a female abuser and not realize it because you’re thinking “well I’ve never hit my man before” but remember, abuse can happen long before anyone physically hits the other. It’s Not the Size of the Bruise but the Violation of the Sense of Safety.

A wife who beats her husband to the best of her ability and throws items at him is just as abusive as the man who hits his wife. Just because the bruise from the man is bigger doesn’t make her less abusive. The fact is that we should not be hitting each other! A woman who threatens to embarrass her husband and expose something shameful about him unless he does or buys her something is just as abusive as the man who threatens to stop financial support if a woman doesn’t sleep with him. We should not be extorting or exploiting each other. If someone feels like you have the potential to violate their physical, emotional or psychological safety, you are already abusing them.‎

I gave a lecture in my NYSC CDS on domestic abuse and thought to share with you. Unfortunately, I can't find my references at the moment, i'll update the post when I do. This is not the end, there is a part 2 and maybe 3, please wait for them. I love you for reading, Anuoluwapo.

Thursday, 14 May 2015

Love contract

What won't we hear? I read P Diddy isn't keen on marriage but cool with making a love contract. I don't know why we have refused to respect ourselves. A guy will wake up and say one nonsense and get away with it because some babes would give. If we take a stand, they would be forced to learn to respect us. We say we are not sex objects and there we are, in music videos, shaking our behinds seductively to songs that objectify us. We say men cheat and leave out the fact that they don't cheat with goats.

I don't know if I speak for other ladies but you got into a love contract with me the moment we got into a relationship. A contract to have my back, care for me, be faithful and never to divulge details about me. What else is in the yeye love contract that I don't already get from being your girlfriend? Oh right, she'll be your baby mama? Ladies, be there forming love contractor, #SideChicForever God help you if after many years, he marries another lady and leaves you hanging.

It reeks irresponsibility to me. Eating your cake and wanting it. Married but living like the boys. There is no sitting on the fence between being single and married. Marriage is not by force, if you and your woman don't believe in marriage and want to date forever, go for it. I still don't see the need for a contract. Why do you need a document to guide your affair? Shebi you don't want a real commitment. I would be very offended if my boyfriend played that card.

I love you for reading, Anuoluwapo.

Monday, 11 May 2015

Sensual objects or feeding bottles?

Before we talked about flaunting or hiding the bump, I was going to write about breast feeding in public. I'm not saying one is right or wrong, I'll only share my opinion and hope you'll share yours too.

So, a lady was struggling to remain covered while breastfeeding her little one in church. I remembered a lady in my parents' church, who years ago, opened "everything" without caution and fed her child several times before the end of the service. Some mothers would either sit at areas designated for nursing mothers or go outside the church to nurse their babies.

Some people feel it's nothing. The boobs should not be regarded as sensual objects but as feeding bottles. Some say afterall, women expose their boobs in the name of looking trendy so why exposing it for "a good cause" be termed public nudity.
I don't term it public nudity, I don't even term it anything. It's not that serious. The same way you (pretend to) look away from your colleague's boobs, look away from her nursing "tools."

If you've been covering up and showing it only to the dear hubby, why are you now showing it to the world. Does it not defeat the years of covering up? Or is everyone suddenly blind because you're now a mom?

I hear mothers say things to imply that they are old and there's nothing to cover anymore. Puleaseeeee, don't let a pregnancy or a baby trick you into feeling wringled. You are still very beautiful, perhaps prettier than before. Stretch marks? Use cocoa butter. You must likely have that glow that young mothers do. Your boobs are also fuller and more succulent. You're attractive, not old. Being a mother is more reason for you not to take yourself for granted. Oya package yourself well.

It's only women that see your boobs as feeding bottles, at the moment. Forget that it produces milk, it's still very sensual. It could even be the fetish of that man sef. Yes, the one sitting close to you and you're probably giving him ideas.

Haha, I love you for reading bloghearts. I love the feedback I get from you, don't stop. Have a good good week, Anuoluwapo.

Thursday, 7 May 2015

Baby bump: Flaunt or hide?

I was going to do a post on sometime else before I saw this photo that gave me a good laugh. It is so true! They stop using their pictures or use photos of their puffy faces and poow, baby pictures. It's not a secret but around here we keep it low because we don't know who wouldn't be happy for us, right? Photos taken during pregnancy become throwback when the baby arrives.

I don't get why pregnant babes have to be touchy, infact some people would be touchy on her behalf. Ask her her baby's sex, how old the pregnancy is or the baby's name before the naming ceremony and you automatically become a suspect. Is it a Nigerian or African thing? It seems like a custom to me, that's how it is done so you also do same. It really isn't anybody's business anyway. However, winchy winchy people don't need to see you or a photo of your growing bump to know you are preggy. Watch Africa Magic today.

A friend's sis shared photos of her bump on her blog before her son arrived. A sister told us the name of her son, who now has a younger brother, before he arrived. A few people do not hide these things and their children do very well.

Would you readily share the news or you would rather let the bump or the baby's arrival do the announcement? Lohla, Launna and other yummy mommies, did you hide yours and why? I find it ridiculous when people wear layers of clothes, ill-fitting clothes, waist trainers, etc to hide their bump. Even if you have no intention of sharing with strangers on instagram, wear nice maternity dresses and rock that bump. You only carry that child once.

Whether pregnant or not, what we need do is to be
prayerful. God keep us and ours from harm. *In Wendy Williams' voice* I love you for reading, Anuoluwapo.

Sunday, 3 May 2015

My handwriting and I

If it's by handwriting, I wouldn't have a blog. My dad would call me when I was writing my bar finals to remind me to make sure my writing was legible...

Anyway, I thought to share this with you. I got so excited when I saw it as it is so apt for me. These psychologists sef, they can do jazz *in Rita's voice* Do you remember Rita from D'banj's Kokomansion?

Mine is small letters, right, light pressure, looped l, looped t, slender y, long y, connected, the first i (I thought I was the only one who draws a circle on my "i" instead of a dot), the first t and even spacing. I guess it's good it forgot to mention how bad my writing is. Only God knows what it would say of it. Mind sharing yours? 

Does your handwriting describe your personality or was it just a coincidence with me? Perhaps you learnt something about yourself? Love love, Anuoluwapo.

Friday, 1 May 2015

No mediocre

Hi guys, how are you doing? I'm doing very well, busy being happy. It was a special someone's birthday few hours ago. I'm still so excited and wish the day wouldn't end. Oh Happy Workers' Day, Happy New Month bloghearts.

I have noticed that a lot of us are always on our toes, not wanting to hurt our loved ones which is great but not when it has to do with the truth. We take out time to coat the truth before saying it or saying what the other person wants to hear, is that friendship? If it's only 1 friend you have, you owe her the truth. It's better not to be a friend than sucking at it. Oh yea, you can't be a perfect friend but you can choose not to be a mediocre.

If you've read some of my posts, you would know that I'm very pro-mind your business. But how will your sister or bestie put all the pancake in the world on her face and expect you to remain quiet? Or want you to be diplomatic about helping her package? Not every time diploma please. When did you become a diplomat sef? I didn't say seize the opportunity to insult her oh.

Friends, loved ones owe each other the truth. Your friend is dating a married man or your sister's boyfriend beats her blue black and you still feel the need to polish the truth? You don't love her! She can get angry if she likes, you'll make up. It's not trying to pry into her private life, you're merely stating the obvious, which she may be blind to at the moment, in plain terms. She'll do same for you. A Yoruba adage says "If 2 siblings go in for a discussion and they come out with straight faces, be sure they just told each other the truth". If you're not telling her her boyfriend cheats on her then you shouldn't be telling anyone else.

Thanks for reading. Love love, Anuoluwapo.