Wednesday, 30 July 2014

19 months married, I want a divorce

One minute they are in love, they next they are separated. They were all over the internet but filing divorce papers after 2years. It's really disheartening and I always wonder what went wrong. All of the 3 amazing Wang dresses and paparazi, my love, Kim Kardashian's marriage was over after 72days. Eva Longoria's marriage was over after 3 years. Courteney Cox's was over merely two years after she was quoted to have said "Divorce isn't really an option." Arnold Schwarzenegger's was over after 25years. Heidi Klum and Seal had yearly vows but that didn't stop the divorce. Reese Witherspoon 7years. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, Katy Perry and Russel Brands, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom, Kris and Bruce Jenner, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, Sandra Bullock and Jesse James and so many others.

No, it's not just an Oyinbo thing. There are Nigerians separating after 3days, a week , 2 months. Some don't even leave the reception together. Our own Funke Akindele's marriage to Kehinde Oloyede was over in a year. Chika Ike, Dino and Tokunbo Melaye, Faithia and Saheed Balogun, Rev Chris Okotie and Tina/Stephanie Henshaw, Monalisa Chinda, Moji Olaiya, Princess, Clarion Chukwura, Kenny Saint Brown, Fred and Agatha Amata, Shan George, Jennifer Eliogu, Nzogi Ezeonu, Jackie Appiah, Mercy Aigbe. Some have remarried while others are embracing their single status.

Neither is it a celebrity thing. Everyone has at least one relative that is divorced/separated. So don't bring any perfection here. Nowadays we have dating anniversaries. 1, 6, 10, 12 year anniversaries yet the rate at which couples separate escalates. It is very important to know and understand each other to some extent before taking the big step. However, dating for so long doesn't guarantee a lasting happy home. Many times, the "shine" would have been lost even before you say I do. You're just managing so that the years wouldn't be in vain, so people wouldn't laugh at you. My dear, a broken relationship is always better than a broken marriage. You think people still won't mock you more after a divorce or when they hear you're unhappy in your marriage? Don't manage, if the relationship isn't working, take a walk.

Many times we see it coming but we refuse to acknowledge it. Funke Akindele and Sandra Bullock are respectively Nigeria and America's sweethearts. When so many people, or even one, are against what one is doing, one should take some time out to ponder over it before arriving at a decision. All they saw was "love", "we" saw more. Sandra married America's bad boy and Funke married a man with children from different baby mamas. Faithia changed her religion because of love.

We are getting educated and getting paid. Our hustles are tight. Some have more educational qualifications, get better pays and work longer hours than their husbands. Submission then becomes a near impossible task. We even want to retain our maiden names or join our maiden and married names. We want our own identity. I'm not saying these are bad. I'm showing us some of the things that may have worked for our grandmoms. We can't take half of what our moms and grandmoms took. It's their submission, patience, humility and perseverance that worked for them.

We say relationships are hard work, wait till you get married. Don't be scared, it's full of fun and happiness living with one's bestie. When you get married, it goes from romantic to real. Sweet boyfy assumes the role of boyfy, hubby, brother, father, grandfather, ancestor and Oga at the top. The day the father side shows it's face, it may not leave you smiling. It goes from "anything you want, anyhow you want it baby" to "I'm the head of this home, do not ask for it" LOL. There is more to posting wedding photos and stories online. Maybe we should reduce that. Noise/attention doesn't do well with marriage. You attract "things" that should be left sleeping.

Challenges will come, be prepared. Be sure you're ready to spend forever with him/her. If she loses her beauty to acid, fire or an accident will you still be in love? If she goes from a model to a yokosuna? What if he loses his job, his limbs or she can't have a baby or you have unruly BAD kids? If she'll rather party or he'll hang with the boys all night? If he loses his sight or she loses her memory in an accident? Will your love crumple like a pack of cards? Anything can happen and somethings will happen.

Love is never enough. You need a good attitude to go with it and realize that your spouse won't be perfect. You need to be prepared. Read books, go for counselling and open your eyes. Be ready to understand, tolerate and compromise even if it was never an option for you. Don't settle, don't manage, set the right priorities and stand by it. It's better to be single praying to be married than married praying to be single. Don't let love make you myopic. When you're advised not to marry someone outside your religion, it's for your good. Life is like football, anything can happen. People change. When the kids start rolling in, your hubby/in-laws suddenly realizes that the kids should practice their religion as  against your earlier decision. When they say don't marry a man beneath your status (educational, age, financial, etc), you talk about love. Tomorrow, the guy loses his "non-existent" self-esteem, feels threatened by you and picks a fight over everything. Is that what you want?

There are no hard or fast rules about some things like financial and educational status and age as long as God is the foundation. You'll get to know your partner that "see-finish" will set in, you'll spend so much time together that you'll get bored and many times annoy yourselves. There will be lots of time you'll forget what brought you two together, love may not be evident and you wish you were single. Your heart will do you film trick. It may even be during your honeymoon that you'll find another lady attractive or you meet a man three years after that you feel gets you. That's when God comes in, keeping you from doing stupid things and bringing you two back together stronger everyday, after every argument. Helps you overlook the little things that get to you. Even if you left home upset, you come back to a warm cosy God and love filled home.

The christian community was upset with a side full of hate and the other praying when Evangelist Benny Hinn and his wife went their separate ways. They are back together, stronger I believe, all thanks to God. They must have put it a lot of work and "God" and had people praying for them. It hardly happens like this for many others.

We shouldn't judge or look down on divorcees or people having issues in their home. It can happen to anyone and when we hear what some of them went through, we really can't blame them and then many of us may have cracked even before they did. I pray God in his mercy will not only choose for us but keep our homes. Ours will be exemplary homes. Challenges will come but we won't fall. Amen! Thanks to Toyin for the topic, I hope you like what I made of it. Thanks bloghearts for reading. Xoxo, Anuoluwapo.

N.B. I forgot to mention in my last post that I did something on the settings. Hopefully there won't be complaints on comments anymore. If you commented on four posts in Chinese (or a language that isn't English or a nigerian language) kindly message me tarabauer01@gmail.com. A fun post from a brother should be up on Friday. Start your weekend with a LOL.
Men too
*Boyfy = Boyfriend
 Shine = excitement
 Film trick = fast one
 Oyinbo = Westernised
 See-finish = "Familiarity breeds contempt"


17 comments:

Mubo-D'Blessed said...

nice piece. keep it up

Anuoluwapo said...

Thank you

Seun Kosoko said...

Excellent, I couldn't have said this better. There is more to marriage than just Love

Anuoluwapo said...

Thank you sister. Thanks for sharing on facebook too :*

Anuoluwapo said...

Still having problems commenting? Kindly open your browser. Click the 3 dots on a vertical line (options). Click settings. Go to privacy and settings. Please check if accept cookies (or a similar name) is on or off. If it's off, please change the settings to on. Restart your phone and try leave a comment again. Sorry for the bother. Thank you

Anuoluwapo said...

*leaving

Anonymous said...

Nice and educative...keep d gudjob rolling.

Anuoluwapo said...

Thank you

Anonymous said...

Nice
work, keep up the good work. The best fin is allowing God choose for
us, in d event of issues, u can always say, God u chose for me

Anuoluwapo said...

Yes yes! Thank you

Anonymous said...

U did justice to this Anu & it got me wondering if u've been married forever with the way picked out points. LOL. Marriage is a beautiful thing, it has it's challenges but that is what makes it beautiful if one can tackle it headlong. Love is not enough, tolerance is a major thing.

Anuoluwapo said...

I'm still very much a learner, 19months 2days :D Thank you. Challenges are only beautiful when it's time to testify. Thanks alot

Esquire said...

Wow. This is Rich and Explosive especially coming from a writer with a 19months personal experience. I will recommend anybody preparing to get married to read this first.

Anuoluwapo said...

You're too kind. Thank you sir. Where have you been? You went MIA on the blog

Eniwealth said...

Nobody could have written it better. Kudos Anu.

Anuoluwapo said...

:D thank you

Anuoluwapo said...

:D thank you