Saturday, 19 July 2014

About the IN-LAWS

Very touchy topic and I don't want to get into trouble. I'll say a few things and be truthful while at it. In-laws are should a big phenomenon in this part of the world. They can make or mare your happiness, your life. We all have different upbringings. Your mom is quite different from your mil. Your mother may not be able to stand things your mil can. You may greet your mom "hi" and mil would expect you to get on both knees every time your paths cross, 9months pregnant not being an excuse. Generally, your mom can tolerate you and your ways because she birth you. African magic exposes us mostly to the Patience Ozokwors, wicked mils. There are good mils and there are not so good mils. Just like there are good dils and not so good dils. Everybody can't be good, right? But you don't have to be the bad one.

When people say "I don't want to marry a man whose mom is alive, I can't stand a mil." I say "You'll have a son someday and that son will have a wife. Don't you want to witness and be part of all that joy? God bless and keep my sweet mil. She is going to live a long good intense grandmom life, as I intend to be a Sisi for a long I'm going to give a few tips on how to live happily with the in-laws. Feel free to add yours.

1. Respect them. You should treat them like you treat yours. The law now makes them your mom, dad, sisters and brothers. A cousin was bad mouthing her mil with her siblings. I felt like asking her how it makes her any better. I understand that the mil had excesses but would she talk about her mom's excesses like that?

2. Get wisdom. Like your family members upset you, the new additions will do same. I said to love and treat them like you do your family. It's a bit tricky. If you tell your mom and sisters what you don't like straight up, freely express your displeasure or take their advice as suggestions, etc. You can not with your in-laws o. You need to apply some serious wisdom here. They can easily feel undermined, unappreciated and may not talk to you about it. And that's how enmity creeps up. Proverbs 4:7 right?

3. Forgive in advance. Since you know you can't just say "Mommy, I don't like that" or "Anty Tayo, you're offending me." I strongly suggest that you have the forgive in advance spirit and don't take things to heart. If you don't know how to clear serious issues that can't be swept under the carpet, have your spouse tactical get involved if you don't want to hear "His wife runs the home, she put him to it." God forbid Jesus comes back the night you were unceremoniously sent packing from your matrimonial home, by your in-laws, and you're harbouring unforgiveness in your heart (which may be humanly understandable) heaven may not be open to you. Such a serious example, forgive me.

4. The doctrine of see finish. Familiarity breeds contempt. People who worshipped the ground you walked on now ask you to go throw the gabbage away, talk down at and disrespect you. You made yourself too cheap and available. I'm not saying hoard yourself. They are your family members so they should be able to reach you. But you had a life before you married their son/brother and became family. Face your schooling or work or whatever you're up to. Fulfill your dreams, make time for your hobbies, religious and social activities. You're married to "them" doesn't make you a cook or an housekeeper. Don't make yourself a stool or a footmat. If you want to be treated like a daughter, act the part. If you want to be treated like a maid, act the part. I hope you understand me. It's just like going to your parents for the holidays. The first weekend, you're treated like a queen but by the end of the month, nobody's excited anymore. I'm not saying don't help out. Help out but not everyday? They need to get a maid for that.

5. Show love by your conduct, speech, prayers, gifts and any other way you can. It's your joy when mil steps up in nice clothes, jewelry and cars, etc. Give her as much as you can. She raised that amazing man for you, she deserves the world.  Your dil will do more for you. Amen

6. Stay away from "brother I need this" as much as you can. He definitely should give if he can. Nobody should involve you. When they do and brother refuses to give, they make it your fault.

7. Be hospitable! Make them feel at home. They are at home after all. That doesn't mean anyone can just walk to your pot of stew.

8. Treat your in-law how you want to treated. Mistreat your dil/sil and watch it happen to you or your daughters or even your grand daughter. That Sister Karma, she doesn't forget.

9. Be considerate and give your son/brother and his wife some privacy. Is it a crime marrying from your family?

10. Drop the silly "I don't like her", "You can't marry her". That's so yesterday. If you don't have a cogent reason, you have no reason whatsoever to bully her. Your brother loves her, so should you.

11. Erase the bad notions you have about in-laws, instead pray for good ones. They are regular people, with different personalities, who become family. It may take some time to understand their line of reasoning. It will be worth it at the end, Amen.

If your have not so good in-laws, ask God for patience and the ability to love and forgive them in advance. Ask him to change their hearts too. Speak with your spouse about it, bearing in mind that you're talking about his mom/sister. Keep the distance if that's what will secure your happiness. If you're a nasty in-law, please right your wrongs or have God will deal with you at his time. Amen!
Thanks for reading. Love you muchos, Anuoluwapo.

*Mil = Mother-in-law
 Sil = Sister-in-law
 Dil = Daughter-in-law
 Proverbs 4:7 = Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do! And whatever else you do, develop good judgment (N.B. judgment here can also mean understanding.

Lmao. Don't fry me for this please
Awww, sweet


Anonymous said...

Ok, it's a touchy subject alright but u just made it one of ur best write ups since u started blogging. Ladies and guys alike should take a cue from this. Well done Anu.

Anuoluwapo said...

Thank you

Esquire said...

Educative Piece. In addition to these lovely points mentioned above, i suggest (1), let there be social (recreation) activities that help bonding of mils and dils. eg. mils and dils play indoor game against fils and sils. (2) Prayer - Sincerely pour out your heart to God to help peace reign.

Anuoluwapo said...

That's a good one. Thank you

Eniwealth said...

Well written as usual. From my parents, I learned this. Whenever an in-law was visiting, the other person presents the send off gifts when they are leaving. i e, my mum presents if it's a member of dad's family and vice versa. My mum also told me how she used to stylishly occupy an in-law with the baby so that she will not come into the kitchen to complain of how costly she both items comparing the amounts to how much they would have sold items of that quantity or more in the village. Since she always did that and stylishly blaming her for wasting her husbands' money.

Anuoluwapo said...

Gifts when they're leaving, nice. Lol! So she should be shopping in the village. Omo wa'se ori'se @ occupying her with the baby. I really don't get why anyone should be concerned abt what your mom does with her (husband's) money. What if she were touring the world, buying cars n Changing her wardrobe? They are Complaining abt price of foodstuffs. She should have brought loads of stuffs from the village F.O.C. to reduce costs if she really cares. If I were her, I also wouldn't tell her how much the items cost. Thank you Eniwealth